Metaphors and Similes

Pushing your buttons is like an easy bake oven.

Sex is like a box of chocolates... ya never know what you're gonna get...
Unless you're married and then it's all fruit creams... I HATE fruit cream

Ya, so about that story I promised you...

I lost it.

And then my friend found it.

But she still needs to email it to me.

So....

Soon... I hope

AND I STILL NEED HELP WITH THE TITLE Y'ALL
hehe is said "y'all"

Sweet Smells of Summer

Summer is finally here! I, and this amuses me, courriered my exams to school from work, where they will hopefully fall into the right hands, and I am now FREE. 24 weeks of work stretch out before me like happy little mountains waiting to be discovered and conquered. Yippee, the life of a summer temp. If I had known sitting behind a desk all day was this easy I would have started sooner.

That's right, banana sized!

One day I will grow out of my sex obssesed brain but until then, this is a present to all of you who think a little like me. (size matters)

Snow Day

Today I woke up to a white blanket that is still growing larger, even now.
Gross. There is no way in hell that I'm leaving my house today.
Well, maybe for a Starbucks.

NEED A TITLE

The story I just posted is in desperate need of a kick ass title.
Any suggestions?

the story I have been working on all semester

“I wish I owned a midget. I would take it home and use it as a foot-rest… or maybe a towel rack. Do you think they sell midgets on E-bay?” Pierce asked.
“Fuck no! What the hell’s wrong with you man?” Lee said. He exhaled slowly and passed the joint back to Pierce.
“Dude. Lay off. I really want a midget. I bet I could get all the chicks if I had one. Chicks dig guys with pets.” Pierce said. Stubbing out the roach he grabbed his laptop off the coffee table and started typing.
Lee shifted on the couch, “Chicks dig guys with pets?” he repeated, “Wow, just… wow. Oh, man, you have sunk to a new low. I cannot believe that you just compared dwarves- little people- not midgets- to pets. Dogs, cats, chinchillas and midgets all for sale at Pet Place.”
“Dwarves? Little people… and Pet Place. Sweet. All I got when I searched ‘midget’ on E-bay was midget cars and other random bits and pieces of crap.” Pierce said. He turned back to the computer and began a new search.
“Pierce! You cannot buy a midget on Ebay. Get over it. They’re not for sale. And the only kind of dwarves you are going to find at Pet Palace are dwarf rabbits,” Lee said.
“But you just said-“
“I was being sarcastic.”
“Oh.” Pierce said, “That’s not cool man. I was really stoked. If I can’t buy a midget on E-bay, and they don’t sell them at Pet Place, then where am I going to get one?”
“You’re not going to get one. They’re not for sale.”
“Oh.”
“Sorry to dash your dreams.” Lee said. Satisfied that he had put his friend in line he sunk back into his chair. It was Sunday, the day of rest, and he wanted to enjoy the day before getting back to being a slave to someone else’s riches at Sofa Sofa Sofa World.
“I found one!”
“What?”
“She’s not for sale but I can rent her by the hour.”
Lee sighed. He had thought that Pierce would be a pretty cool roommate. Now it was starting to look like he was wrong. He got up and walked out of the living room in search of a drink. In the kitchen he grabbed a glass from the dishwasher and mixed himself a gin and ginger. “Prostitutes come in all shapes and sizes,” he yelled.
“Who would have thought?” Pierce shouted back. “Shut up now, I’m calling.”
Lee sighed. Glass in hand he returned to the living room to eavesdrop on his friend’s conversation.
“Hey, how’s it going? … Good, good … I uh, um… well I wanted to rent a midget for a couple hours. I’m thinking about buying one so I thought it would be cool to test drive one first, ya know? ... Hello? Hello?” Pierce said into the phone. “The fucker hung up on me.” He turned to Lee, his face a mask of astonishment.
Lee laughed. “No, kidding. Maybe you sounded like a creep. You probably should have left out the part where you wanted to buy a midget.”
“Oh… Why? Never mind. Whatever, I’ll try a different one.” Pierce said.
“Dude midgets are people; it’s illegal to buy them. It would be like some one trying to buy you just because they always wanted to own a ginger-kid.”
Pierce’s face flushed; his freckles disappeared under the color. Lee thought he was embarrassed at his error. “Fuck you. Don’t call me a ginger-kid man. That is not cool.”
“See, that’s how people feel about being called midgets.”
“Stop harshing my mellow, we’re supposed to be friends man,” Pierce said.
“Ya? I thought you had some brains.”
“Dude!” Pierce said.
“What now?”
“There’s a midget convention in Springfield. Can you believe it? That’s only an hour away.” He looked back at the computer screen to make sure he hadn’t misread the page. “I’m gonna buy a midget, I’m gonna buy a midget! Yes!”
“You’re going to get arrested.”
“Shut up man. You can be such a drag. C’mon, let’s go.”
“There is no way in hell I am going. You’re insane. Besides, if we both go who the hell is going to pay your bail?”
“My mom. Hurry up,” Pierce said, already halfway to the car, his messy orange hair hidden beneath a ball cap, yesterdays t-shirt twisted awkwardly on his frame, and shoelaces trailing.
“I’m not coming man, things to do people to see- you know, the usual.” Lee shouted from the doorway.
“Fine. Whatever. I’m gonna buy a midget! I’m gonna buy a midget!” Pierce got into his car, put his sun glasses on with CSI cool and drove off with a crunch of gravel, “Today,” he said, “I buy a midget.”
Back in the house Lee sprawled out on the couch and stared blankly at the TV screen. He was caught by the mesmerizing voice that was narrating the documentary on sperm whales, or maybe humpbacks. He couldn’t think of the whale’s name, every time he tried he could only picture Pierce giggling, “Pickle-faced whales, hahaha. Dude, those things are ugly.”
Lee shook himself to break free of the TV induced trance. “This might not be the best idea I’ve had all day.” He locked the apartment door and walked reluctantly to the car. Maybe, just maybe he would be able to stop Pierce before he got arrested.
He turned his key in the ignition and his engine coughed, sputtered, and died. It caught on the fifth try and he let it run for a minute to warm up before he reversed and carefully steered up the alley and headed the car towards Springfield. Once he was safely on the highway he switched on the cruise control on, his cars one redeeming feature, and tried to remember what had made him think living with Pierce would be cool.
The guy was an idiot. But everything always seemed to be okay for him. He had luck. And the girls loved him. Everywhere Pierce went became a party: keg stands would be done, tops would come off, and even Lee would get laid. It was awesome.
Living with the “party” 24/7 was another story. The apartment was always a disaster, studying was impossible and he had seen more tits and ass then most porn stars. It wouldn’t be so bad but Pierce had an open door policy; the door to his room was always open… no matter what. One time Lee peeked in, he couldn’t help himself, and saw Lee playing catcher two an incredibly hot transvestite. A goat, covered in chocolate sauce, was tied to Pierce’s bed posts with a long piece of blue satin rope.
The drive was made slower by remembered misery and it was with relief that Lee pulled into the Springfield Convention Center parking lot. It was short lived. Spotting Pierce he parked and ran towards him. Pierce was standing behind his car emptying a hockey bag onto the cement. Condoms, month old slices of pizza, Lucky beer cans, and an exotic array of hardcore German porn magazines fell to the ground. One particular magazine seemed to feature an incredibly hairy pregnant woman getting tagged teamed by two men in Nazi costumes.
“Lee! You came!”
“Jesus Christ Pierce. Put that shit away.”
“Huh?”
Lee changed tactics. “Pierce, listen carefully. I would like to live to see another weekend of lounging on my couch watching hockey, that means no calling the dwarves midgets, no trying to buy a midget, and no trying to steal one by putting it in the hockey bag your carrying. Put the hockey bag back in the trunk.”
“Aww, man. C’mon.”
“Put the bag in the trunk. I am so not going to jail for you.”
“Alright, alright, lay off.” Pierce opened the trunk and shoved the bag in. He slammed it shut, “Happy?”
Lee looked at the porn mags and other junk still on the ground behind the car, “let’s just get this over with,” he said.
Recovering quickly from the lecture, reached into his pocket and pulled out a fat joint.
Lee smiled. Nice. Maybe the day wouldn’t be so bad. Pierce linked his arm through Lee’s and began to skip, “We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild. We represent…”
Giving in Lee sang along, “The Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild.” He stopped mid-skip as he realized people were staring at them. Little people were staring. At them. And they looked angry. “Uh, Pierce… Pierce, man, shut up.”
Pierce stopped singing reluctantly. He looked at Lee “You are such a buzz kill.”
“Ya, that’s me.” Lee said. He smiled apologetically at the angry dwarves as they walked through the convention center doors. It was one thing to see a few dwarves on their way into the convention center, but seeing thousands of the little people wandering from booth to both, talking on pay phones, gabbing with friends, was another. Lee and Pierce stopped, just inside the doors, mouths dropped in shock.
“Move it moron,” a voice came from behind them.
Lee turned around and saw no one. Remembering where he was he looked down. “Sorry,” he said and hurried out of the way, yanking Pierce’s arm to get him to follow. He led his errant roommate to the information booth set up near the entrance. “Hi,” he said, “my friend would like to ask you a couple questions.”
“Hey, I wanna buy a midget and I’ve been trying to find one but I can’t, I found a couple I can rent by the hour but that’s not the same, you know?” Pierce said. “Can I buy you?”
“Security!”
Two tiny uniformed guards descended upon the two boys.
“OH, OH!” Lee said. He jumped up and down, the caricature of a five-year-old who has just spotted Barney, “I’ll take the one on the left. She looks like she would be a good pet.” Lee said.

Four Letter Words #@*$

SHIT!

This is a funny word. Shit! POOP! DEFECATION! What kind of swear is that.
We use shit as that word you say when something goes wrong. SHIT! So it almost makes sense. Except for the part where you drop your purse and scream FECES!

Wahahaha

PEOPLE WHO TALK... ALOT

Today I was sitting with my old roommate. I had gone over to get my damage deposit and decided to sit for a bit and chill because I was bored and had some time to blow. We exchanged pleasentries, she gave me a piece of cake and I sat on the couch and tried to get a word out every now and then. She talks, alot. She speaks quickly as if I am going to interrupt her, as if that would be possible, and when she runs out of breath she sucks air in quickly, loudly, and begins again. "My sister Hilary has applied at NAIT and I am thinking about giving her my computer if my dad can get it working, or maybe I will sell it, I could probably get a few hundred for it and Hilary will probably need a better computer for school anyway, if she gets into the graffic design program, and I don't even know if my dad will be able to fix it" DEEP BREATH "He said bring it next time I visit and he will take a look at it, that's what he said, my dad can fizx just about anything, cars, computers, he did all the renovations on their house, my mom wishes he would finish one job before he started the next. But that is just the way he is, all over the place, hopping from one thing to the next." DEEP BREATH "Hilary should get into the graphic design program though, she is really talented. Have I shown you here work? She said I could have a few prints if I want but I haven't picked them out yet. Her and Steve have started a box for me. They said that they would give me an Ipod and some movies, that's what they said, and I'll take whatever they want to give me, I'm a poor student." DEEP BREATH. And in between thinking KILL ME NOW and SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP, I saw us sitting as a scene in a play.

While I'm not sure how the play would end, I can say that some one would be dead by the time the curtain fell to the applause.

Lonely, my cat mews incessantly. He is bored. It drives me nuts. I should clarify though; His name is River, and he is lonely. He used to have other cats to play with but we have moved away from them and while I am happy he is un.

3 months till I can get River his own pet cat.

Class

I got it... ok, no I don't. But I go sometimes. Sit in a desk and try not to be bored by monologues on Marxism, Ancient English Literature and Poetics. Try not to be annoyed by the "over-achievers" who like to hear themselves speak. Try to get there on time, too often distracted by Starbucks.

Sitting in class,
Learning?
The tip of my nose is cold.

Four Letter Words #@*$

COCK

It was late. After a long day of preparing for the party, and trying to not be bored by the "millions" of people I did not know during the event, TheBoy's parent's cocktail party had wound down to the few of us who were spending the night and hot cups of tea. We were trashed. The bartender "Insert Lame Name Here" had done his job well.

Crowded around the counter were TheParents, an aunt and uncle, and TheBoy and I. And passed out on the couch nextt to us was TheBrother. Glancing at TheBrother, too drunk to censor myself, I began, "Last time we were here TheBrother came back to the house quite drunk. He stumbled throught the door and started playing wrestling with Maggie," the dog, "And then disappeared down the stairs."

"Later when I went down stairs to grab his phone I saw him wrestling with Maggie again. He had been in the hot tub and was out on the back lawn wearing only his boxers. The dog and the man were on all fours both with an end of a chew toy in their mouths. The dog was winning. " I said.

"Startled TheBrother notices me, gets up, and his COCK is hanging out of his boxers. The funniest thing is after all this he looks and me and says 'stupid dog."

"Penis, dear, not cock" TheBoys mother says.

So I assured her that it was ok, I always swear like a sailor. In fact I have a potty mouth.


'K boys and girls this story is a work in progress so let me know what you think! I want feed back.

I imagine...

I imagine fairies to be sharp edges and high cheek bones. Vibrant attitudes framed by thick dark outlines. Every detail, every curve etched in ink. Spiky hair expresses freedom and lack of responsiblity. Tiny delicate hands mimic my own. They dance flitishly, agressive in their search for le joie de vie. Big eyes under deep lashes blink and flash with excitement. They are not innocent. They are keen and desperate lovers of fun.

Four Letter Words #@*$

Let's start with CUNT.

As vulgar as this word is supposed to be I love it. I love the sharpness that it is said with. I love the short biting sound it makes. I love the shock value.

"CUNT" is mine. I own it.

Logically Speaking

In logic we learned that an argument is valid if and only if assuming the premisses are true the conclussion must be true as well. And then you assume the premisses are true. So if I said that "Either elves are real or all monkeys are made of playdough. Monkeys are made of playdough. Therefore elves are not real." Logically monkeys must REALLY, TRULY AND CERTAINLY be made of playdough.

I learned a lot in logic.

An old story...

My Gingerbread Man

The oars on the boat rowed as if possesed by a gingerbread man. Looking closer I discovered they were employed by a gingerbread man, Fred. The oars moved clumsily, jerking, and yet slowly to avoid splashing water into the boat. Nothing is worse than being a soggy gingerbread man. Looking closer I noticed his red M&M eyes and blue icing mouth puckered into an exhausted grimace. He was breathing hard and I could see the sugar on his breath. No wonder he was acting irrationally.If I've told him once I've told him a million times. Lay. Off. The. Coke. It's not good for anyone but it's especially not good for water soluble gingerbread men. One if these days he's gonna be stoned out of his mind and decide to run through the sprinkler, or worse, take a shower. Why should a shower be worse? I'd have to clean it out after. At least if he melted onto the lawn I could leave him to decompose in peace.Looking out a Fred one last time, I shook my head in disgust. Everyone I knew was already making fun of me for being shacked up with a gingerbread man. Imagine if they knew he was an addict too.I've had enough. Grabbing the suitcase that'd been packed for over a month now I jumped onto my magic carpet and flew off into the sunset in search of my happily ever after. Fuck Fred the gingerbread man and his coke habit. I think I'll go find Prince Charming.

This Chrismas I was in Kimberly with my Boy and his family, it was fun, except for the part where I drank too much wine and it made a reapearance. While we were there we hung out with the Boy's friend Brian. Brians making a wicked chutney like hot sauce. Everyone should try it once... or twice. You can buy Okanogan Wild Fire and Kootenay Wild Fire Hot Sauce @ WWW.OKFIRE.CA...

But if you don't like it I don't wanna hear about it.

IT IS JANUARY 8TH AND I HAVE BROKEN EVERY ONE OF MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS.

The Beginning of a Warped Story....

"I wish I owned a midget. I would put it in a box and give it to my parents for Christmas, and when they didn't know what to do with it I would take it home and use it as a foot-rest. Or maybe a towel rack. Do you think they sell midgets on EBay?" Pierce asked.

"Fuck no, what the hell's wrong with you?" Lee said.

"Dude, lay off. I really want a midget. I bet I could get all the girls if I had one. Chicks dig guys with pets," Pierce said.