the story I have been working on all semester

“I wish I owned a midget. I would take it home and use it as a foot-rest… or maybe a towel rack. Do you think they sell midgets on E-bay?” Pierce asked.
“Fuck no! What the hell’s wrong with you man?” Lee said. He exhaled slowly and passed the joint back to Pierce.
“Dude. Lay off. I really want a midget. I bet I could get all the chicks if I had one. Chicks dig guys with pets.” Pierce said. Stubbing out the roach he grabbed his laptop off the coffee table and started typing.
Lee shifted on the couch, “Chicks dig guys with pets?” he repeated, “Wow, just… wow. Oh, man, you have sunk to a new low. I cannot believe that you just compared dwarves- little people- not midgets- to pets. Dogs, cats, chinchillas and midgets all for sale at Pet Place.”
“Dwarves? Little people… and Pet Place. Sweet. All I got when I searched ‘midget’ on E-bay was midget cars and other random bits and pieces of crap.” Pierce said. He turned back to the computer and began a new search.
“Pierce! You cannot buy a midget on Ebay. Get over it. They’re not for sale. And the only kind of dwarves you are going to find at Pet Palace are dwarf rabbits,” Lee said.
“But you just said-“
“I was being sarcastic.”
“Oh.” Pierce said, “That’s not cool man. I was really stoked. If I can’t buy a midget on E-bay, and they don’t sell them at Pet Place, then where am I going to get one?”
“You’re not going to get one. They’re not for sale.”
“Oh.”
“Sorry to dash your dreams.” Lee said. Satisfied that he had put his friend in line he sunk back into his chair. It was Sunday, the day of rest, and he wanted to enjoy the day before getting back to being a slave to someone else’s riches at Sofa Sofa Sofa World.
“I found one!”
“What?”
“She’s not for sale but I can rent her by the hour.”
Lee sighed. He had thought that Pierce would be a pretty cool roommate. Now it was starting to look like he was wrong. He got up and walked out of the living room in search of a drink. In the kitchen he grabbed a glass from the dishwasher and mixed himself a gin and ginger. “Prostitutes come in all shapes and sizes,” he yelled.
“Who would have thought?” Pierce shouted back. “Shut up now, I’m calling.”
Lee sighed. Glass in hand he returned to the living room to eavesdrop on his friend’s conversation.
“Hey, how’s it going? … Good, good … I uh, um… well I wanted to rent a midget for a couple hours. I’m thinking about buying one so I thought it would be cool to test drive one first, ya know? ... Hello? Hello?” Pierce said into the phone. “The fucker hung up on me.” He turned to Lee, his face a mask of astonishment.
Lee laughed. “No, kidding. Maybe you sounded like a creep. You probably should have left out the part where you wanted to buy a midget.”
“Oh… Why? Never mind. Whatever, I’ll try a different one.” Pierce said.
“Dude midgets are people; it’s illegal to buy them. It would be like some one trying to buy you just because they always wanted to own a ginger-kid.”
Pierce’s face flushed; his freckles disappeared under the color. Lee thought he was embarrassed at his error. “Fuck you. Don’t call me a ginger-kid man. That is not cool.”
“See, that’s how people feel about being called midgets.”
“Stop harshing my mellow, we’re supposed to be friends man,” Pierce said.
“Ya? I thought you had some brains.”
“Dude!” Pierce said.
“What now?”
“There’s a midget convention in Springfield. Can you believe it? That’s only an hour away.” He looked back at the computer screen to make sure he hadn’t misread the page. “I’m gonna buy a midget, I’m gonna buy a midget! Yes!”
“You’re going to get arrested.”
“Shut up man. You can be such a drag. C’mon, let’s go.”
“There is no way in hell I am going. You’re insane. Besides, if we both go who the hell is going to pay your bail?”
“My mom. Hurry up,” Pierce said, already halfway to the car, his messy orange hair hidden beneath a ball cap, yesterdays t-shirt twisted awkwardly on his frame, and shoelaces trailing.
“I’m not coming man, things to do people to see- you know, the usual.” Lee shouted from the doorway.
“Fine. Whatever. I’m gonna buy a midget! I’m gonna buy a midget!” Pierce got into his car, put his sun glasses on with CSI cool and drove off with a crunch of gravel, “Today,” he said, “I buy a midget.”
Back in the house Lee sprawled out on the couch and stared blankly at the TV screen. He was caught by the mesmerizing voice that was narrating the documentary on sperm whales, or maybe humpbacks. He couldn’t think of the whale’s name, every time he tried he could only picture Pierce giggling, “Pickle-faced whales, hahaha. Dude, those things are ugly.”
Lee shook himself to break free of the TV induced trance. “This might not be the best idea I’ve had all day.” He locked the apartment door and walked reluctantly to the car. Maybe, just maybe he would be able to stop Pierce before he got arrested.
He turned his key in the ignition and his engine coughed, sputtered, and died. It caught on the fifth try and he let it run for a minute to warm up before he reversed and carefully steered up the alley and headed the car towards Springfield. Once he was safely on the highway he switched on the cruise control on, his cars one redeeming feature, and tried to remember what had made him think living with Pierce would be cool.
The guy was an idiot. But everything always seemed to be okay for him. He had luck. And the girls loved him. Everywhere Pierce went became a party: keg stands would be done, tops would come off, and even Lee would get laid. It was awesome.
Living with the “party” 24/7 was another story. The apartment was always a disaster, studying was impossible and he had seen more tits and ass then most porn stars. It wouldn’t be so bad but Pierce had an open door policy; the door to his room was always open… no matter what. One time Lee peeked in, he couldn’t help himself, and saw Lee playing catcher two an incredibly hot transvestite. A goat, covered in chocolate sauce, was tied to Pierce’s bed posts with a long piece of blue satin rope.
The drive was made slower by remembered misery and it was with relief that Lee pulled into the Springfield Convention Center parking lot. It was short lived. Spotting Pierce he parked and ran towards him. Pierce was standing behind his car emptying a hockey bag onto the cement. Condoms, month old slices of pizza, Lucky beer cans, and an exotic array of hardcore German porn magazines fell to the ground. One particular magazine seemed to feature an incredibly hairy pregnant woman getting tagged teamed by two men in Nazi costumes.
“Lee! You came!”
“Jesus Christ Pierce. Put that shit away.”
“Huh?”
Lee changed tactics. “Pierce, listen carefully. I would like to live to see another weekend of lounging on my couch watching hockey, that means no calling the dwarves midgets, no trying to buy a midget, and no trying to steal one by putting it in the hockey bag your carrying. Put the hockey bag back in the trunk.”
“Aww, man. C’mon.”
“Put the bag in the trunk. I am so not going to jail for you.”
“Alright, alright, lay off.” Pierce opened the trunk and shoved the bag in. He slammed it shut, “Happy?”
Lee looked at the porn mags and other junk still on the ground behind the car, “let’s just get this over with,” he said.
Recovering quickly from the lecture, reached into his pocket and pulled out a fat joint.
Lee smiled. Nice. Maybe the day wouldn’t be so bad. Pierce linked his arm through Lee’s and began to skip, “We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild. We represent…”
Giving in Lee sang along, “The Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild.” He stopped mid-skip as he realized people were staring at them. Little people were staring. At them. And they looked angry. “Uh, Pierce… Pierce, man, shut up.”
Pierce stopped singing reluctantly. He looked at Lee “You are such a buzz kill.”
“Ya, that’s me.” Lee said. He smiled apologetically at the angry dwarves as they walked through the convention center doors. It was one thing to see a few dwarves on their way into the convention center, but seeing thousands of the little people wandering from booth to both, talking on pay phones, gabbing with friends, was another. Lee and Pierce stopped, just inside the doors, mouths dropped in shock.
“Move it moron,” a voice came from behind them.
Lee turned around and saw no one. Remembering where he was he looked down. “Sorry,” he said and hurried out of the way, yanking Pierce’s arm to get him to follow. He led his errant roommate to the information booth set up near the entrance. “Hi,” he said, “my friend would like to ask you a couple questions.”
“Hey, I wanna buy a midget and I’ve been trying to find one but I can’t, I found a couple I can rent by the hour but that’s not the same, you know?” Pierce said. “Can I buy you?”
“Security!”
Two tiny uniformed guards descended upon the two boys.
“OH, OH!” Lee said. He jumped up and down, the caricature of a five-year-old who has just spotted Barney, “I’ll take the one on the left. She looks like she would be a good pet.” Lee said.